The key to longevity

Given our cultural climate, it’s not surprising to see involuntary organ harvesting on the rise:

http://www.nypost.com/p/news/local/organ_ghouls_of_doom_suit_LxCZMP5uRGgI6yn3ywMN9J

This used to be the stuff of B horror flicks, but now it’s for real.

In light of this ominous development, it’s necessary to take precautionary measures so that, if you land in the ER, the transplant committee won’t look at you like a dog eyeing a backyard BBQ.

i) Needless to say, don’t have “organ donor” stamped on your driver’s license. That’s a dead giveaway (pardon the pun).

ii) Change your legal surname to “Gambino.”

iii) Stuff your wallet with business cards for IHOP, KFC, Dairy Queen, Baskin-Robbins, Russell Stover, Taco Bell, Dunkin’ Donuts, Domino’s Pizza, all-you-can-eat buffets. &c. That way, when the ER staff is rifling through your wallet for ID and next-of-kin, they will see what a lousy donor candidate you’d make.

iv) Assiduously cultivate an unhealthy lifestyle. Pork out on fast food and junk food. Be at least 50-75 lbs. overweight. It’s the guy with the six-pack abs who’s at high risk of being dismembered when he lands unconscious in the ER.

v) When they take lab samples, make sure your triglyceride and bad cholesterol counts are off the charts by eating all the wrong foods.

vi) Be a chain-smoker. Guzzle beer and whisky by the gallon.

vii) Don’t visit the dentist. Make sure you have prominent nicotine stains on your teeth.

viii) Avoid exercise at all cost. Carefully maintain flaccid muscle tone.

If you follow these steps, you have a good chance of living a long time. If, on the other hand, you’re a health nut, your next visit to the ER will resemble New Guinea tribes inviting Methodist missionaries to supper.