Down with delis

Der Spiegel

In a landmark ruling today, Judge Rudi Ratfink outlawed Jewish delicatessens. Judge Ratfink was responding to a class action suit by fishermen, farmers, restaurateurs, and supermarket chains alleging that kosher food had a negative impact on the local economy by unfairly depressing the sale pork products and shellfish.

Child welfare activists filed amicus briefs alleging that kosher food was child abuse, by unfairly depriving Jewish kids of tasty food items available to gentile kids.

Lutheran ministers filed amicus briefs contending that there was no theological warrant for kosher food under the terms of the new covenant. Hence, whatever the New Testament does not command the State is free to forbid.

In a separate decision, Judge Ratfink outlawed beards. This was in response to a class action suit filed by cosmetologists alleging that halakhic traditions negatively impacted barbershops.

In Tehran, the Grand Ayatollah hailed both rulings as a signal advance in human rights.