Shake-up at the Vatican

L'Osservatore Romano

Today a team of seismologists, forensic anthropologists, and church historians issued their much-anticipated report on mysterious seismic activity in Italy. Just in the last few centuries, Italy has been racked by a series of devastating earthquakes:

1693 01 11 - Sicily, Italy - M 7.5 Fatalities 60,000

1783 02 04 - Calabria, Italy Fatalities 50,000

1857 12 16 - Naples, Italy - M 6.9 Fatalities 11,000

1905 09 08 - Calabria, Italy - M 7.9 Fatalities 557

1908 12 28 - Messina, Italy - M 7.2 Fatalities 70,000

1915 01 13 - Avezzano, Italy - M 7.0 Fatalities 32,610

1919 06 29 - Mugello, Tuscany - M 6.3 Fatalities 100

1920 09 07 - Toscana, Italy - M 6.4 Fatalities 171

1930 07 23 - Irpinia, Italy - M 6.5 Fatalities 1,404

1968 01 15 - Western Sicily - M 6.5 Fatalities 231

1976 05 06 - Northeastern Italy - M 6.5 Fatalities 1,000

1980 11 23 - Southern Italy - M 6.5 Fatalities 3,000

1997 09 26 - Central Italy - M 6.4 Fatalities 11

2002 09 06 - Southern Italy - M 6.0 Fatalities 2

2002 10 31 - Southern Italy - M 5.9 Fatalities 29

2002 11 01 - Southern Italy - M 5.8

2009 04 06 - Central Italy - M 6.3 Fatalities 295

Based on painstaking correlations, the team pinpointed the epicenter of the historic seismic activity. Every time the pope presumes to speak in Peter’s name, the apostle rolls over in his grave.

In the interests of public safety, Prime Minister Mario Monti proposed relocating Vatican City to Hope Bay, Antarctica. Vatican spokesmen could not be reached for comment.