The Arminian capers

-i-

Josh Thibodaux: Billy, we have to done something about Roger Olson. Can’t the Society of Evangelical Arminians publicly disown him.

Billy Birch: Since he’s a member of SEA, I doubt that’s in the cards.

Josh: Well, what if you and I, Dan Chapa, Ben Henshaw, and some others issue a joint statement.

Billy: I think it’s too late for that. Remember that we used to tout Roger as the true voice of true Arminianism. We referred people to him to correct all the “lies” that lying Calvinists told about Arminianism. How can we disown him now without admitting the Calvinists were right all along?

Josh: It’s a dilemma, all right. But surely there’s something we can do to silence him.

Billy: He’s a tenured professor at Baylor U. So I think he’s untouchable.

Josh: But there’s got to be something we can do. I mean, every time I blast the wicked Calvinists for caricaturing Arminian theology, dog-gone-it if ol’ Roger doesn’t come along and confirm all their worst suspicions. It’s like trying to dig a hole in a rainstorm. It just keeps filling up.

Billy: If only we could have him institutionalized.

Josh: Let’s work on that.

-ii-

Josh: I made some preliminary arrangements.

Billy: Count me in.

Josh: My third cousin is the son-in-law of the Director of the Alaska Psychiatric Institute.

Billy: Isn’t that awfully far away?

Josh: That’s the point. We need to have Roger secreted away in a remote location.

Billy: That makes sense. What’s next?

Josh: Ben Henshaw will man the getaway car. He’s a delivery boy for Domino’s. We’ll stuff Roger in the back of the van.

Dan Chapa will bring supplies, while you and I will be the muscle.

Ben will ring Roger’s doorbell, holding a pizza box. You and I will stand on either side of the porch, out of sight. When Roger opens the door, you and I will subdue him and carry him to the van.

Then Ben and I will drive to Anchorage with the “package.” Let me dial up Dan and Ben so that we can synchronize our watches.

-iii-

Josh: It’s dark now, let’s go to the door.

Ben: Dan, do you have the cloth and chloroform?

Dan: Right here.

Ben: Don’t moisten the cloth until the last minute. We don’t all want to pass out from the fumes. Just Roger!

Josh: Are we ready?

Ben: Ready!

Billy: Ready!

Dan: Ready!

-iv-

Billy: Put him in the body bag.

Josh: No, not that way! Don’t zip it all the way up. Leave a little opening for him to breathe.

-v-

Josh: I hate cold pizza!

Ben: Best I could do. It’s a long drive north. Speaking of which, I’m about ready to pull over and let you take the wheel.

Josh: Anytime.

Ben: What are you listening to on your iPod?

Josh: Some sermons by Mark Discoll. Not half bad.

-vi-

Josh: Ben, wake up! Something’s making a ruckus in the back of the van.

Ben: I guess Roger came to. What should we do?

Josh: Just whack him on the noggin with that tire iron to quiet him. We’re almost there.

Ben: Won’t that hurt him?

Josh: Naw. Roger’s a hardheaded old buzzard. A little bonk on the head won’t do ‘im no harm.

-vii-

Kenneth Starr: After Prof. Olson’s baffling disappearance a year ago, the committee interviewed many applicants for his old job. Today I’m pleased to announce the appointment of Turretin Fan to be his successor.

-ix-

Nurse Rached: Mr. Olson, time to take your sleeping pill.

Olson: But I’m a professor, I tell you. A famous professor!

Rached: Yes, I’m sure you are. And your bunkmate is Julius Caesar.

Olson: I don’t belong here!

Rached: That’s what they all say. Now take your pill like the doctor ordered.

Olson: I refuse!

Rached: Security to Room 23. The patient is being difficult again.