Blunt needles

January 3, 2011

Washington, D.C. (NBS) - In a Herculean effort to stimulate the economy while reducing health care costs, Pres. Obama is strongly encouraging Congress to propose a bill which will require all Americans to do their part by using blunt needles rather than the previous array of needles available to them. An unspoken assumption is that this has particular reference to affect medical professionals who regularly use various needles for procedures such as sutures, biopsies, and surgical operations.

"It's time for Americans of all genders, colors, creeds, sexual orientations, and medical specialties to embrace the Audacity of Blunt Needles in order to reclaim American Steam for the American Dream!" shouted Pres. Obama to cheering crowds of Hollywood directors, actors, Scientologists, and Katie Couric.

But skeptics argue there will be several problems if the bill is passed. There will less choice available to Americans if everyone is required to use blunt needles. Thus far Americans have enjoyed considerable variety in their choice of needles. There have been a plethora of different shapes and sizes among needle users: long needles, short needles, needles made of different materials, needles with fine points, microscopic needles, needles for threading, needles for tapestries and upholsteries, fishing needles, hypodermic needles, and so on and so forth.

Instead, Pres. Obama and the Democrats want to issue standard "one size fits all" blunt needles to the nation. The bill smacks of "Big Brother, redubbed "Mean Mother," which detractors declare is an attempt by "the nanny state" to impinge upon bedrock American liberties and individual rights by mandating stock needles.

In addition, many opponents of the Obama Systematic Needling America Plan (OSNAP) fear this is just the beginning of a slippery slope. What's next, pins? Types of threads? Will syringes have to be replaced with spray bottles? Or scalpels with sporks or foons? "We've come a long way in human history, from when needles were first just the tips at the end of leaves to what we have today, only to be forced down a single narrow track," opined James Watson, a medical archaeologist and historian. "This is an attempt to stifle thousands of years of human creativity and innovation," he said, glumly.

Many Seattleites, known for their cultural and other diversities, are likewise perturbed. Local cafe frequenter and jazz enthusiast Billy Bates exclaimed in exasperation, "We may as well scrap the Space Needle since every big city across the nation will have their own similar needle now!"

On the economic side, the bill in turn would ostensibly curtail the profits of needle-making and related industries which would be legally mandated to sell blunt needles to all regardless of past needle use, misuse, abuse, or no-use history. This would affect grandmothers knitting quilts and scarves, mothers sewing their children's clothing, and intravenous drug users looking for the next hit.

Moreover future physicians won't be exposed to various needles but will have to learn solely from blunt needles. Several medical school professors have voiced their doubts in teaching students how to insert blunt needles in tubes such as cannulas and catheters. This could result in diminished clinical skills and have grave repercussions for the future of American health care. A first year American medical student, Elliot Reid, expressed confusion when he responded, "But, um, I still don't get why we can't just learn how to do blunt needle aspirations?"

Related, patients will be at greater risk for infections pre, peri, and post surgery. Not to mention other serious complications could arise. Blunt needles could increase the overall morbidities and mortalities of Americans.

But Americans aren't the only ones concerned. A merchant in a northern Italian city who preferred to remain anonymous raised the point that if he were pricked by a blunt needle, then it's possible he would not bleed but rather bruise.

However, supporters responded with the fact that more patients will have to undergo further surgeries because the blunt needles won't be able to stitch up the patient during the first operation, thereby bringing patients back into the hospital for surgeons to further work on, and therefore bringing in more revenue to hospitals and clinics. Of course, this presumes the patient will survive the initial operation.

In addition, supporters reply, blunt needles obviously don't need to be sharpened. What's more, blunt needles can be re-used numerous times. This will save physicians tens if not hundreds of dollars in needle purchasing costs.

As for fears about the future of medical education, blunt needles are much easier to insert into objects since they'd have more surface area on their tips. Plus, blunt needles are more difficult to break off in patients since they tend to have larger circumferences, hence are thicker too, which OSNAP proponents contend increases safety in surgical operations.

"Besides, there are far bigger worries than what we're trying to do!" exclaimed Surgeon General Regina Benjamin. "I mean, shouldn't people be more distressed about finding rubber duckies in patients than blunt needles? That poses a much greater risk and danger."

U.S. Senator Barbara Boxer commented: "The bill is really a win-win situation for everyone."

Of course, if medical professionals remain non-compliant in using blunt needles rather than other needles, then there will be serious consequences. For example, a fine will be levied against non-compliants. The fine will increase every year the individual continues to use non-blunt needles. Worse, non-compliants must attend lectures which feature hours of finger wagging from federal government licensed health officials responsible for overseeing the medical welfare of the nation and its citizens.

"I guess we'll see whether it's easier for a nation to go through the eye of a blunt needle than for Obama to enter the ranks of the greatest presidents in history," quipped retired family physician William Osler.