FALSE HOPE, NY – The effects of global warming are far worse than originally feared, according to a new report released Monday by the University of False Hope. Dr. Phil Raup conducted the research that showed, among other things, that the low temperatures for each day occur an hour later today than they did even as recently as last week.
“Low temperatures in the morning now occur, on average, an entire hour later in the day,” Raup explained. “This means that the day stays warmer for a longer period of time, thus putting our entire polar bear population at risk of falling through melting ice.”
Unlike other climate problems, this one can be unambiguously attributed to President Bush, Raup said. “This is a direct result of President Bush’s policies. If he hadn’t signed certain bills into effect, this aspect of Global Warming would have been delayed for at least three weeks.”
Raup says his research indicates that Global Warming caused a shift in the spacetime continuum early Sunday morning. In essence, an entire hour was deleted from existence. “The only explanation we found that is consistent with all research is that the extreme heat energy created by Global Warming caused a miniature black hole to appear, just for a moment. This black hole was powerful enough to suck time itself into its vortex.”
Raup credits ALGORE, a cyborg designed March 31, 1948 which later took the initiative in creating the internet, with keeping the black hole from causing more widespread damage. “The entire state of Arizona was spared thanks to ALGORE’s quick actions. Other than that, it was pretty much universal.”
This is hilarious. Thanks for the laugh.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed the laugh. I posted somewhere that it its hot, its global warming; if it snows, its global warming. We are in a no-win case here my friend.
ReplyDeleteHowever, you are correct that it is all Bush's fault. I personally think Bush stole the hour from us in order to listen to our phone calls and read our e-mails. Plus, he needs more daylight for his worldwide wars for eventual American empire takeover of the whole planet. :)
BTW, thanks ALGORE!
Congratulations Mr. Piper, you are quickly acquiring all the traits necessary for entrance into the Rush Limbaugh school of pundancy.
ReplyDeleteSoon you'll be a bonafide clone.
You've only got a couple more of
qualifications to meet and then you'll be there.
They are big ones so brace yourself: loss of conscious and an inability to recognize truth. Then you and Hayes can march hand in hand to the next GOP convention and smile at all the politicians who will smile right back at you knowing full well they've succeeded in taking you in.
Karl Rove would be down right proud as punch.
Oh, and be sure to pick up your "Who would God vote for?" lawn sign while you're at the convention.
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ReplyDeleteHi Rick!
ReplyDeleteYou wrote: "They are big ones so brace yourself: loss of conscious and an inability to recognize truth. Then you and Hayes can march hand in hand to the next GOP convention and smile at all the politicians who will smile right back at you knowing full well they've succeeded in taking you in."
But if all the other clones "smile right back at [them] knowing full well they've succeeded in taking [them] in," then it appears that those clones have *not* had a "loss of conscious and an inability to recognize truth." Thus either you're thinking like Swiss Cheese, or the above are not necessarily "qualifications to meet," in order to be a "clone," in which case you thinking is like a peg board. So, which is it? Is your thinking like Swiss Cheese or a peg board?
Rick,
ReplyDeleteApparently you're under the mistaken impression that I am a Republican. This is to be expected since you are also apparently under the impression that my last name is "Piper." It's really "IchVerspotteLiberale." Furthermore, Steve's last name is Hays, not Hayes.
Other than that, you are correct in acknowledging that I currently know the truth and am fully conscious (after all, you say I need to lose these things in order to become a Limbaugh clone). So you're well on your way to graduate seventh grade!
I know your not a Republican Peter.
ReplyDeleteIf you were a Republican with a conscience you would never stop throwing up.
You know what I mean?
On the other hand, if you were one of the myriad of fundie lemmings you wouldn't be able to recognize all the evil that Republicans have represented the last seven years.
But, I'm sure you do recognize it.
The question we all have then is in your fair and balanced critique (oh, sorry that sounds familiar doesn't it) what do you have to say about the Bush administration and the wonderful things it has done?
There's no flaws there right?
Awesome post. Hilarious! Hey, what can I read to catch up on Global Warming? Recommendations? Anyone?
ReplyDeleteCongratulations Mr. Piper, you are quickly acquiring all the traits necessary for entrance into the Rush Limbaugh school of pundancy.
ReplyDeletePundancy isn't even a word. You mean punditry.
Soon you'll be a bonafide clone.
Bonafide isn't a word. You mean bona fide.
You've only got a couple more of
qualifications to meet and then you'll be there.
Spurious use of the word 'of'.
They are big ones so brace yourself: loss of conscious and an inability to recognize truth. Then you and Hayes can march hand in hand to the next GOP convention and smile at all the politicians who will smile right back at you knowing full well they've succeeded in taking you in.
You mean like John McCain, the only remaining Republican nominee, who believes in global warming. You're making no sense whatsoever.
Karl Rove would be down right proud as punch.
Ah yes, Rove, he's behind everything, isn't he?
Oh, and be sure to pick up your "Who would God vote for?" lawn sign while you're at the convention.
All the candidates have made appeals to the religious vote.
I know your not a Republican Peter.
You're, not your.
If you were a Republican with a conscience you would never stop throwing up.
How do you know he's not throwing up?
You know what I mean?
Yes, tiresome as it may be, everyone is now well acquainted with the arguments of the radical left.
On the other hand, if you were one of the myriad of fundie lemmings you wouldn't be able to recognize all the evil that Republicans have represented the last seven years.
The Republicans aren't evil. You're an idiot.
But, I'm sure you do recognize it.
I'm sure he doesn't. Your argument amounts to "You know I'm right, just admit it!". No, not everyone thinks like you do.
The question we all have then is in your fair and balanced critique (oh, sorry that sounds familiar doesn't it) what do you have to say about the Bush administration and the wonderful things it has done?
Overthrown the Taliban, deposed Saddam, killed many, many terrorists, prevented every single planned terrorist attack targeting the US, cut taxes, been conservative on abortion, and been very pro-Israel. Looks good to me.
There's no flaws there right
There are no flaws. Not "there's no flaws".
Although I already wrote a book satirizing Liberals, the comments Rick left here help me further realize that it is truly impossible to satirize them. Someone, somewhere will actually believe it.
ReplyDeleteThis is Bush's fault. However, I'm fully prepared to blame Global Warming, which is also Bush's fault.
This is Bush's fault. However, I'm fully prepared to blame Global Warming, which is also Bush's fault.
ReplyDeleteDon't forget AIDS and Hurricane Katrina. Let's give credit where credit is due...
It's fairly telling that you Limbaugh clones like to refer to subjects like the warming/katrina etc. in an effort to ridcule. I notice you don't focus on issues that are tangible: Iraq, the moral bankrupcy of Bush's administration etc.
ReplyDeleteYou're in a bit of denial when it comes to the foibles on the right unless it is to make a joke about them in an effort to blunt criticism on serious issues.
I don't believe you ever could give an honest critique of Bush's administration--and therefore: what good are you?.
That is fairly telling of extremists and Fundies--ridicule the mainstream and the left while never quite wanting to come to grips with the far right.
Extremists don't do anyone any good. You know?
You might be more usefully employed trying to evangelize to the world that in your Heaven only the "elect" go. But, nobody believes you there either. You folks really ARE in a minority aren't you?
Rick said:
ReplyDelete---
I notice you don't focus on issues that are tangible: Iraq, the moral bankrupcy of Bush's administration etc.
---
I notice that you haven't read any of the archives on this blog post and instead are just doing a knee-jerk reaction to a piece that was obviously better written than anything you've heard on Air America, which made you jealous.
You said:
---
I don't believe you ever could give an honest critique of Bush's administration--and therefore: what good are you?.
---
I don't believe I could ever say anything to you that you would listen to. The problem is with you, not with me. What good are you?
Rick said:
---
That is fairly telling of extremists and Fundies--ridicule the mainstream and the left while never quite wanting to come to grips with the far right.
---
This is fairly telling of left wing nutjobs--mispell everything (Publik ejukashun wurx 4 u!) and label everyone else all the while hypocritically decrying lables and the intolerance of those you intolerantly slander.
Par for the course.
You said:
---
Extremists don't do anyone any good. You know?
---
Apparently you speak from experience, in which case I'll take your word for it.
You said:
---
You might be more usefully employed trying to evangelize to the world that in your Heaven only the "elect" go. But, nobody believes you there either. You folks really ARE in a minority aren't you?
---
Yes, the minority is the people who don't wear tinfoil hats to shield the NSA from reading their minds, who don't see Bush behind every bush (hey, that's a pun even you should be able to grasp with your vast liberal intelekt ejukashun), who are anti-everything, and who want the world to kowtow to your every demand.
Get a life. You can start by turning off your TV and radio, leaving your basement apartment, and going out and enjoying nature or something. Global Warming should make even Canada hospitable this time of year. Go become one with a polar bear or something.
See there. Not a word about the faults of the Bush team.
ReplyDeleteCan't come up with anything can you Mr. Cheeseburger in one hand and who knows what in the other?
Your thoughts on the "elect" are as fallacious and as far from reality as those on politics.
You folks at Triablogue need to stick to bashing your non-calvinist brethren and leave it at that.
Of course that's a lost cause too.
What an entirely abstruse and meaningless band of dysfunctional wanabes.
But, what the heck Peter, keep at it and some day you too might find yourself in the spotlight like Glenn Beck (another Murdoch mercenary). Quite a lineage you chose to follow.
Oh, wait. Choosing. You guys don't like that term do you.
5-pointers. What a joke.
Someone forgot to take their meds today.
ReplyDeleteNo pointers. What a joke.
How about "Tribe-of-boogers".
ReplyDeleteThat has a truer ring to it than your current nom de plume.
Or, how's this:
"Tribe of Buggers"
You've yet to made a substantiated point. And, you still can't make a negative point about the Bush administration. Kind of makes you a true lemming stalwart. You would have been a good follower of Hitler.
Actually, you're pretty close to that now.
Okay, Rick. Apparently you are about 7 years old. After all, I haven't found anyone older than 7 who thinks "booger jokes" are funny.
ReplyDeleteI've already pointed to the archives, which you've obviously never read, demonstrating plenty of times we've expressed our disagreement with Bush. You fail to realize that the reason I'm not criticizing him here is because that wasn't the point of my post.
I don't alter my posts to conform to what you want to read. Deal with it.
Or don't. It makes my job at refuting liberal idiocy that much easier when all I have to do is point at you.
Peter,
ReplyDeleteThat is my point.
It doesn't matter what the particular thread is for people like you.
You're happy to criticize the left, at a moment's notice. But you leave out all the negative aspects which can be attributed to the right.
So, how should one react to such an extreme bias as this?
I think that it is fair to say that most people, myself included, view those on both extremes as useless, lying troublemakers.
So my question to you is: Are those people in the middle (the mainstream) also seen as flawed because they are not on the far right?
When the day comes that you can honestly tackle the evils that we've seen the past seven years from the Bush admin then I would say you might be worth listening to. Otherwise you're not a whole lot different from someone like Ann Coulter or Bill O'Reilly--who prove daily that they are better suited for work in a mental facility.
Rick,
ReplyDelete1) There is no such thing as a "middle of the road" person.
2) I can satirize whomever I feel like; there's no law that says I have to satirize everyone all the time.
3) I've yet to see you say one nice thing about Bush. So you're a hypocrite, demanding only that we oppose him.
4) I've not seen you say anything negative about the Left. Hypocrite.
5) I view you as a useless, lying, troublemaker, no different than Al Franken.
6) If you don't want to listen to me, go away. You won't be missed.
7) I have no desire to be the next Limbaugh, Coulter, or whatever. That's you projecting.
8) I am impressed at one thing. I never thought it possible that someone could get their foot in their mouth and their head up their rear at the same time, but you pulled that one off. So congrats.
Gentlemen, this was my first time on your blog.
ReplyDeleteNow that’s how to deal with a liberal fool!
That thread was absolutely hilarious - keep it up!
Thank you for the laugh - I'll be back for more...