It has come to my attention, thanks to the fine reporters at Whatum.com, that our six seminaries are shortly to implement the latest technology that will, I believe, soon answer the concerns of these fine individuals above. I hereby dedicate this post to them. I do fear, however, that with technology like this, Ben may come to believe there are now no limits for Dr. Patterson to turn SWBTS students to the Dark Side of the Force. (evil grin). On the other hand, the Founders folks will now find that instructing seminary students about the doctrines of grace from the larger and better theologies will be much easier. I expect that they may consider investing in these for their churches. The anti-Calvinist crowd, I'm sure will see this as a tool to brainwash Sunday School teachers and deacons to turn churches Calvinist. I'd encourage all parties to consider that technology itself is neutral, unless if falls into the wrong hands, and nothing can truly replace personal education and instruction.
HT: Seth
Southern Baptist Seminaries Use VELCRO To Teach Students Cooperative Program
Posted by seth at 7:53 pm. Filed under: Southern Baptists
Southern Baptists have surprised the world today by taking a step into the realm of super sophisticated technology. The multi-million dollar project VELCRO (Virtual Educational Learning for the Cooperative Relief Organization) will provide virtual headsets to be used in the seminaries of the SBC. The virtual headsets, valued at $20,000 each, will accelerate the learning process of seminary students about the SBC’s Cooperative Program.
The software running the headset was developed by one of the world’s leading software engineers, Will Bates, who explained to INN News the way the headsets work, “These headsets are fantastic. When the user engages the headset, sensors immediately map to specific regions of the brain for probing, allowing for the software to monitor and influence the flow of thought. When the program begins to run, the user watches a series of visual information, which stimulates the pre-frontal cortex of the brain using video and color association memory techniques. Through the accuracy and quickness of the program, the user is able to learn about the subject matter, in this case the SBC’s Cooperative Program, exponentially faster than through traditional methods.”
“We’re really excited about these headsets,” stated seminary trustee Ben Matlock. “We’ve got to keep the legacy and urgency of the Cooperative Program alive, and our seminary students are our biggest hope. Unless they understand the necessity of perpetuating funding through the Cooperative Program, then the SBC may suffer great financial loss. This means missions and other ministries will suffer. I think VELCRO might help the SBC avoid such troubles.”
INN reporter Joseph Knoll adds, “Sources have informed us that the previous method for indoctrinating students about the Cooperative Program was through a required course for one semester. However, when the class met with poor reviews, the seminaries decided to look for a quicker yet effective way to educate students about the Cooperative Program. The virtual headset method takes only one hour to complete, and the students are able to watch their favorite program or play their favorite video game while the indoctrination take place, because of the software’s ability to penetrate the synapses of the brain through subconscious transfer.”
Pictured above: Seminary Student Sachiko Suzuki playing the popular game World of Warcraft while being indoctrinated through the VELCRO headgear.
Other Southern Baptists are very disturbed about the new headsets. Some of those polled stated that they are concerned that the VELCRO program is not hitting at the heart of the issue. One anonymous Southern Baptist stated, “I’m not so sure that indoctrinating students is the most effective and lasting way to perpetuate Cooperative Program funding. To be sure, students must be aware of the current needs, but piping information into the mind sounds a little like brainwashing to me. Seems to me that if the SBC would invest time and money into its poor spiritual condition, the money for the Cooperative Program would flow like water. This virtual education thing is sort of like turning someone upside down and shaking them in hopes that money will fall out of their pockets. You might get some loose change and even some bills, but you may not get all that you need.”
Still, the SBC seems assured that it is going in the right direction. When asked to respond to concerned Southern Baptists, Matlock answered, “I can certainly reverberate with the concerns about the SBC’s spiritual state. However, we have to make the tough decision about what will work best, and based on past experiences, the new VELCRO program seems to be in a agreement with what has worked.”
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