The tinted lens of Calvinism

Team members,

It seems that despite our best efforts to fit him with the tinted contact lens of Calvinism, one of our team member (hint: his initials are J.E.) is still unable to clearly see the horrible decree in Scripture.

Unfortunately, this leaves us with no recourse but to take more extreme measures.

Let’s invite him to an after church social. Bring the cudgels and thumbscrews, along with an iron maiden or two.

If all else fails, we will be forced to resort to the most cruel expedient of all—strapping him to a chair, clamping a pair of headphones over his ears, and making him listen to The Essential Barry Manilow album.

Yes, I realize that this sort of musical fare banned under the Geneva Conventions, but it’s use has already been authorized by John Ashcroft and Alberto Gonzales, and we must break our wayward brother’s resistance by whatever means necessary. After all, it’s for his own good.

After that, it will be a simple matter to condition him by implanting a subdermal nanotaser under the nail of his left index finger.

Whenever he gives the wrong answer to the Westminster Longer Catechism, we will deliver an electric shock to his central nervous system.

This therapy has proven effective in the restoration of many backslidden covenant children, with a 97% success rate.

P.S. Do not distribute this communication to Eric Vestrup. Rumor has it that Dr. Vestrup may still suffer from Post-Latent Lutheran Syndrome (P.L.L.S. for short). If he got wind of our intentions, he might notify Paul McCain who would, in turn, tip off our wayward team member.

P.P.S. If, by accident, one of you inadvertently cc’s this to either J.E. or Dr. Vestrup, I will, of course, disclaim all knowledge and attribute the communication to ID theft.