The Calvinometer

Anonymous said:

“How do we measure certainty, and what level of certainty is a necessary condition of eternal life? What precisely does a person need to have certainty about to have saving faith?”

By using the Calvinometer.

Simply go to the online catalog at Geneva.com for a full line of models, including a couple of newer models to accessorize your iPod or cellphone with the high-speed access to the assurance of salvation.

Warning: the catalogue is only available to the frozen chosen. You’ll need a password issued to the elect by the angel Gabriel.

Honorary passwords are occasionally issued to Christians who, through no fault of their own, are invincibly ignorant of the horrible decree, but the company's firewall is impervious to reprobate hackers.

The threshold for saving assurance is 112.6 creds, while absolute assurance levels out at 177.2 creds.

Calvinists generally clock in around 153.8 creds, and Lutherans at 133.5 creds, while Anglicans, who like to split the difference (that via media, ya know), normally hover around 88.6 creds, although the ordination of Vicki Gene Robinson pushed some of them to an elevated reading of 88.7 creds.

Thankfully, this immoderately allergic reaction can be controlled by anaphylactic shock medication, restoring them to their normal state of somnambulance.

If the Calvinometer registers an anemic level of assurance, this can be remedied by a daily aspiration of Foxe’s Book of Martyrs.

For your convenience, the venerable text has now been vaporized and is currently available in the form of a nasal inhalant. Truly “inspirational” literature!

For best results, use just before going to bed and right after you get up.

BTW, John Owen’s classic commentary on Hebrews was recently reissued in this very same format, but due to the original page count, it is only sold in the ultra fine mist.