20 things you have to believe

"20 things you have to believe to be a Republican today"

1. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

REPUBLICANS DON’T BELIEVE THIS. THEY DRAW A SELF-EVIDENT MORAL DISTINCTION BETWEEN RECREATIONAL DRUG-USE AND A MAN WHO GETS HOOKED ON PRESCRIPTION PAIN-KILLERS AFTER BACK SURGERY

2. The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

I. MANY REPUBLICANS DON’T BELIEVE IN BOTH THINGS. THERE IS NO ONE-TO-ONE CORRESPONDENCE BETWEEN BUSH GOING TO THE UN AND WHAT REPUBLICANS THINK OF THE UN.

II. ENFORCING UN RESOLUTIONS WAS A POLITICAL TACTIC, NOT A NATIONAL PRIORITY. IT WAS MERELY A MEANS OF PROMOTING NATIONAL SECURITY. IT ALSO PROVED TO BE A FAILURE. YET ANOTHER REASON TO PULL OUT OF THE UN.

3. Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of illness.

WHAT REPUTABLE STUDIES ARE THERE THAT MARIJUANA IS AN ESPECIALLY EFFECTIVE PAIN OR NAUSEA MEDICATION?

4. "Standing Tall for America" means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India.

NOT ALL REPUBLICANS SUPPORT FREE TRADE. HOWEVER, FREE TRADE IS A TRADE-OFF. THE FLIP-SIDE OF OUTSOURCING IS INSOURCING. THE PRICE FOR EXPORTING DOMESTIC GOODS IS IMPORTING FOREIGN GOODS. SO IT CUTS BOTH WAYS. THE ALTERNATIVE IS PROTECTIONISM.

5. A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multinational corporations can make decisions affecting all humankind without regulation.

I. MULTINATIONAL CORPORATIONS ARE REGULATED.

II.WE ARE NOT TALKING ABOUT A WOMAN’S BODY, BUT ABOUT A MOTHER’S BABY.

III. IF A "WOMAN" WERE SO TRUSTWORTHY, HOW DID SHE GET STUCK WITH UNWANTED PREGNANCY IN THE FIRST PLACE? DON'T WOMEN KNOW WHERE BABIES COME FROM?

6. Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

I. JESUS IS THE REDEEMER OF THE ELECT AND THE JUDGE OF THE REPROBATE.

II. CHRISTIANS LOVE HOMOSEXUALS ENOUGH TO DISSUADE THEM FROM THEIR DAMNABLE SIN.

7. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

THIS IS A DISTORTION OF THE RECORD.

8. Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run for governor of California as a Republican.

I. MANY REPUBLICANS VOTED FOR MCCLINTOCK.

II. OTHER REPUBLICANS CHOSE THE LESSER OF TWO EVILS. WE CAN ONLY PLAY THE HAND WE’RE DEALT. IF WE WERE DEALING THE CARDS, THE CASE WOULD BE OTHERWISE.

9. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

DEMOCRATS EVIDENTLY BELIEVE THAT IF SCHOOLS STOCK ENOUGH CONDOMS, ADOLESCENT BOYS WILL ALWAYS USE THEM.

10. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our longtime allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

DEMOCRATS BELIEVE THAT A GOOD WAY TO FIGHT TERRORISM IS TO BELITTLE OUR REAL ALLIES WHILE KISSING UP TO OUR NOMINAL ALLIES AND OUTRIGHT ADVERSARIES.

11. HMOs and insurance companies have the interest of the public at heart.

IF DEMOCRATS DON’T BELIEVE THAT HMOS AND INSURANCE COMPANIES HAVE THE PUBLIC INTEREST AT HEART, WHY DO THEY WANT GOV’T TO FORCE EVERYBODY INTO AN HMO OR INSURANCE PLAN?

12. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.

NOT ALL REPUBLICANS BELIEVE IN TURNING IRAQ INTO A WELFARE STATE.

13. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

I. THIS TURNS A BLIND EYE THE EVIDENCE FOR DIVINE CREATION AS WELL AS THE EVIDENCE AGAINST GLOBAL WARNING.

II. WHAT REPRESENTATIVE GROUP OF REPUBLICANS DENY THAT TOBACCO IS A CARCINOGEN? THE GOP POSITION IS THAT INDIVIDUALS ARE PERSONALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR THE CONSEQUENCES OF THEIR LIFESTYLE CHOICES. IF YOU CHOOSE TO SMOKE AND CONTRACT LUNG CANCER AS A RESULT, YOU HAVE NO ONE TO BLAME BUT YOURSELF.

14. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

IN A DANGEROUS WORLD, WE FORM SHIFTING ALLIANCES WITH THE LESSER OF TWO EVILS.

15. A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is a solid defense policy.

I. REPUBLICANS DIDN’T BELIEVE THAT LYING ABOUT AN AFFAIR WAS AN IMPEACHABLE OFFENSE. WHAT THEY DID BELIEVE IS THAT PERJURY AND OBJECTION OF JUSTICE WERE IMPEACHABLE.

II. CLINTON COMMITTED MANY OTHER IMPEACHABLE OFFENSES, SUCH AS CHINAGATE. BUT JUST AS PROSECUTORS SETTLE FOR TAX-EVASION TO NAB CAPONE, THE GOP SETTLED FOR ZIPPERGATE TO NAB CLINTON.

III. ACCORDING TO THE 9/11 COMMISSION AND THE BIPARTISAN SENATE INTELLIGENCE COMMITTEE, BUSH DID NOT LIE.

IV. MANY DEMOCRATS OPPOSED THE WAR ON THE GROUNDS THAT SADDAM WOULD USE HIS WMDS AGAINST OUR TROOPS. DID THE DEMOCRATS LIE?

16. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

I. ONE OF THE CONSTITUTIONAL POWERS CONFERRED ON GOV’T IS THE POWER AMEND THE CONSTITUTION.

II. JUDGES OUGHT TO LIMIT THEMSELVES TO THE POWERS NAMED IN THE CONSTITUTION RATHER THAN CONCOCT SPECIOUS CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS.

III. THE FIRST AMENDMENT IS INTENDED TO COVER POLITICAL SPEECH, NOT OBSCENITY.

17. The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.

I. THE QUESTION IS NOT WHETHER BUSH’S DRIVING RECORD WAS ANY OF OUR BUSINESS, BUT WHETHER IT WAS RELEVANT TO HIS BID FOR THE PRESIDENCY.

II. THE PUBLIC ALSO HAS THE RIGHT TO KNOW ABOUT BILL AND HILLARY’S PARDON-FOR-VOTES QUID-PRO-QUO.

18. You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have a right to adopt.

THE LIBERTARIAN WING OF THE GOP DOESN’T BELIEVE IN THIS.

FOLKS VOTE REPUBLICAN FOR DIFFERENT REASONS. SOME ARE HAWKS. SOME ARE SOCIAL CONSERVATIVES. SOME ARE LIBERTARIANS. SOME ARE BUSINESSMEN.

REPUBLICANS ARE INDEPENDENT THINKERS--AN IDEA ALIEN TO DEMOCRATS.

19. What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the 1980s is irrelevant.

I. WHAT BUSH DID IS IRRELEVANT BECAUSE BUSH GREW UP; WHAT CLINTON DID IS RELEVANT BECAUSE CLINTON IS AN ARRESTED ADOLESCENT.

II. WHAT CLINTON DID AS PRESIDENT IS EVEN MORE RELEVANT!

20. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist; but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

I. NOT ALL REPUBLICANS BELIEVE IN FREE TRADE WITH RED CHINA.

II. NOT ALL REPUBLICANS BELIEVE IN THE CUBAN EMBARGO.

III. HOWEVER, CUBAN-AMERICANS DO CARE ABOUT THIS ISSUE, AND CANDIDATES SOMETIMES DO THE BIDDING OF THEIR CONSTITUENCY. CANDIDATES HAVE PRIORITIES. WHY BLOW YOUR POLITICAL CAPITAL ON A PENNY-ANTE ISSUE?