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Wednesday, May 05, 2004

The Passion of Bugs Bunny

Many of us have heard about the church in which the Easter Bunny got a whipping. The media has made this a matter of much mirth and levity. But we mustn't allow such profane jollity to blind us to the deeper and darker theological issues broached by this episode. For half a dozen reasons, we must take up arms against the cult of bunny-rabbits and all other such stuffed animals.

1. 2nd commandment

First and foremost, a stuffed animal is in clear violation of the 2nd
commandment. Although there are false brethren in our midst who would tamper with the plain sense of Scripture and introduce all manner of mischievous codicils and scholastic distinctions, yet the wording of the 2nd commandment could not be more emphatic: Thou shalt not make "any" likeness of "anything" in "heaven" and "earth" and "under" the earth.

The technical term for this is a merism—a figure of speech in which
opposites denote the totality.

Now, I ask you, my brethren, is or is not a stuffed animal a likeness of an earthly creature? Be not deceived!

2. The lies of art

No stuffed animal, whatever its verisimilitude, can to justice to the real thing. It is, at best, a pale imitation of the archetypal form of bunnyhood. It is, in other words, a LIE! And all liars shall be consigned to the lake of fire!

3. Sufficiency of Scripture

It will also be granted that the only purpose that could properly be served by a stuffed animal is that it would convey to us some thought or lesson representing the animal, and consonant with truth.

But when we set about to invent a representation not prescribed in holy writ, but devised after the vain imaginations of men, we thereby do add to holy writ, and render ourselves justly obnoxious to the divine approbation. If the Omnipotent had willed us to learn of bunny-rabbits, he would have described them for us in holy writ.

4. Hareolatry>Mariolotry

A child naturally becomes attached to his stuffed animal, and comes to reverence it. In addition, every child soon infers that rabbits come from other rabbits, and if Bugs Bunny had a daddy, he also had a mommy. Hence, our impressionable and unsuspecting child slides down the slippery slope from hareolotry to Mariolatry.

That innocent looking teddy-bear he so sweetly clutches in bed is nothing less than a trojan horse of popery, beckoning him into the lascivious bosom of Babylon's scarlet whore. Nay, he might as well clutch an adder to his breast. So steel yourselves against his childish cries and tears as you snatch this soul-killing device from his hands and consign it to the flames. Better it burn in hell than he!

5. Lapinary sacrifice>Latin Mass

Today's pet rabbit, tomorrow's rabbit pie. Thus, by an insidious and
subliminal association, he is softened up to one day embrace the
blandishments of the Mass.

6. Emotionalism

Needless to say, those little pink eyes evoke a sentimental attachment in which the head is easily led by the heart.

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