"We have a Pop!"

L’Osservatore Romano

The first day of the conclave was a boisterous affair. There was frenzy in St. Peter’s Square when the BBC erroneously reported the election of a new pope. The report quickly spread to other news outlets, and went viral on Internet within seconds.

A half hour later, the BBC retracted the claim. According to the retraction, a Swiss Guard thought he overheard Cardinal Dolan exclaim “Habemus Papam!” during lunch break. As it turns out, Cardinal Dolan actually told a caterer, “I’ll have a pop.”

In another news, an imposter was ejected from the conclave. According to Italian authorities, the imposter was a man named Dave Armstrong from Detroit, Michigan. Authorities found a receipt from a Roman costume shop in his pocket.

Mr. Armstrong aroused suspicion in the conclave when he addressed various cardinals in Pig Latin and spent inordinate amounts of time gazing at himself in a cosmetic mirror.

Mr. Armstrong was quite irate as police handcuffed him and hustled him off into a nearby paddy wagon, shouting to the throngs in St. Peter’s Square, “I am the pope! I’m the real pope! Let’s make it official!”

To top it off, police discovered Cardinal George, bound, gagged, and attired in his long johns, in the basement of Meryl Streep’s Salisbury, Connecticut residence.

According to her maid, Miss Streep, an outspoken feminist, was plotting to infiltrate the conclave and get herself elected the first female pontiff in a thousand years. Her recent role as Sis. Aloysius Beauvier was preparatory for the top job.

Knowing Steep’s thespian ability to impersonate anyone, Vatican officials asked TSA to loan them full body scans to forestall a disastrous replay of the Pope Joan mishap.