Any enemy of Calvin is a friend of mine!

There’s an Internet troll who goes by the name of Robert. Robert has never met a heretic he didn’t like. Robert’s operating philosophy is that “Any enemy of Calvin is a friend of mine.”

A former secretary at St. Robert’s Church recently shared some information with me. She was employed there until Robert discovered that she was a closet Calvinist.

She shared with me a transcript in which Robert interviews some applicants for church membership. Here are some of the highlights.

“Mr. Romney. Thanks for filling out our application form. Do you have any prior religious experience?”

“I’m a lifelong member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.”

“That’s very interesting. What do you think of Calvinism?”

“I oppose it.”

“Well, I think that just about covers it. I look forward to seeing you again this Sunday. Welcome to St. Robert’s Church!”

“Mr. Yassin. It says here that you’re employed by Hamas. May I ask what you do for a living?”

“I’m a suicide bomber.”

“I see. And what do you think of Calvinism?”

“I oppose it.”

“That makes two of us! Welcome to St. Robert’s Church!”

“Mr. Thurston-ody. So nice to see you. Do you have any religious affiliations?”

“Not exactly. I belong to an organization called Heaven’s Gate.”

“Sounds familiar. Isn’t that a suicide cult?”

“Correct. Does that mean you’re rejecting my membership application?”

“Not at all. Why, we have a new member by the name of Mr. Yassin. I think you and he will hit it off quite nicely. Just one more question if you don’t mind.”

“Shoot.”

“Are you, by any chance, a Calvinist?”

“No.”

“Well, then, allow me to welcome you into the fellowship of St. Robert’s Church.”

“Mr. Cruise. I was looking over your application form. Do you have any previous religious experience?”

“I’m a Scientologist.”

“You don’t say. By the way, what do you think of Calvinism?”

“I’m agin’ it.”

“That will be all. Look forward to seeing you on Sunday.”

“Mr. Queequeg. So nice to make your acquaintance. I see from your application that you were born on the island of Kokovoko. May I ask your occupation?”

“I’m a headhunter. Is that a problem?”

“I think we can accommodate that. When we hold church picnics we’ll need to include some culturally appropriate dishes, that’s all. Now to the really important question: What do you think of Calvinists?”

“For lunch or dinner?”

“Excellent answer!! You’ll make a fine addition to St. Robert’s Church.”

“Mr. Wells. So nice to meet you. Do you have any religious background?”

“I’m a Moonie.”

“And what do you think of Reformed theology?”

“I oppose it.”

“That should suffice. Welcome to St. Robert’s Church.”

“Mr. Howell. So good to meet you. What’s your religious persuasion?”

“Rastafarian. Is that an obstacle to my membership?”

“No big deal. Here at St. Robert’s Church we go by the motto ‘In essentials, unity; in non-essentials, liberty; in all things, charity’. Now to the main issue: What do you think of Calvinism?”

“I reject it!”

“Well, that says it all! Permit me to welcome you to St. Robert’s Church!”

“Mr. Vorilhon. I’ve been reviewing your application. What best describes your faith-commitment at this stage in your pilgrimage?

“I’m a Raëlian.”

“What a coincidence! I must introduce you to Mr. Thurston-ody. You two have much in common. Incidentally, do you have any personal opinion about Reformed theology?”

“I don’t believe it.”

“Well, then, I guess that settles it. Allow me to welcome you to St. Robert’s Church.”

“Mrs. Dixon. Would you describe yourself as a person of faith?”

“I’m a psychic.”

“Astrology? Cartomancy? That sort of thing?”

“Yes. Do you discriminate against people like me?”

“At St. Robert’s Church, we have a sense of proportion. As long as you’re not a Calvinist, I’m sure that we can make allowance for these little idiosyncrasies.”

“Ms Jadis. Please come in. Do sit down. Just one question: are you now or have you ever been a Calvinst?”

“I’m a witch.”

“Well, that’s a relief! I hope to see you this Sunday for your first communion.”